The Captain's Rules
by Moni
Summary: Spoilers for AWE. The new Captain of the Flying Dutchman has some new rules to keep his crew in order, just a bit of fun. No flames please! I may add more if people like it. New Chapter Sword Training Rules by Norrie!
1. Sea Rules

Just a silly little ficlet my friends and I came up with after seeing AWE. How would the Flying Dutchman be run under Capt. Will Turner? Kinda breaking the fourth wall here with a fair few outside references including the British version of Coupling (BTW Norrington's part of the Dutchman crew here rather than dead because we wuv him so)

Notice: New Captain.

Hello I'm Will Turner the new Captain of the Flying Dutchman – nice to meet you. I've decided to lay some ground (or sea) rules.

1. No. I cannot introduce you to Capt. Jack Sparrow

2. Please stop asking me if Elizabeth and I have an 'open' marriage (yes Norrington this means you)

3. I did not make Bootstrap Bill first mate because he's my Dad (if anyone says that I'm telling)

4. No one is to give Norrington rum (he gets sea sick when he has it)

5. Norrington you cannot refer to yourself as 'Dick Darlington'

6. There will be NO Eunuch jokes on my ship. If I hear one being told I'll make you a Eunuch myself

7. Playing 'hide Norrington's hat' is not traditional Pirate's game.

8. Nobody is to use my hair gel. Ever.

9. I'm only saying this once. Jack Sparrow did not rope a couple of Sea Turtles, consult rule no. 1

10. 'We Are Family' is not a traditional sea shanty (where the hell did you lot hear that song anyway?)

10.1 Neither is 'Flashdance'

10.2 Or 'Love Shack' (you've all begun to worry me a little)

11. We will not plunder merchant ships (unless they are transporting hair gel)

12. Stop asking me if I know that "nobody tosses a dwarf"

13. If a boat pulls up alongside containing a large group of insane-looking girls do not I repeat DO NOT let them on board. They are either Jack/Liz writers or rabid fan-girls; both are evil and will mob me (especially the latter).

14. If you don't want to listen to a half hour rant, do not ask Norrington about the following:

14.1 Locks on toilet doors

14.2 Fabric patterns

14.3 A film with the abbreviated title of 'Inferno'

15. I will only tolerate being called Capt. Turner, Capt. Will or just plain Will. I will not tolerate the following nicknames:

15.1 Hot Stuff

15.2 Spunky

15.3 Daddy's Boy

15.4 Pretty Boy

15.5 Elf Boy (wtf?????)

15.6 Hottest Bachelor of the Year 2004 (again wtf????)

Please Review!


	2. Sword Training

_Hi everyone, thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you all enjoyed it. Here's a second little piece I wrote while procrastinating (stupid soul-crushing Honours thesis) featuring our beloved (sort of) Norrie! I'm sorry I'm so mean to you Norrie (tee hee hee) BTW I don't own Gladiator either._

**Training Notice.**

Hello James Norrington here. As you all know, Capt. Turner asked me to give you all some sword training as your skills are lacking a bit (little twat's too busy being Captain to do it himself). Gentlemen, the first training session last week was an unmitigated disaster which prompts me to outline the following rules for our training sessions.

1. These sessions are for sword training, not formation dancing.

2. Please don't juggle with the swords (especially if you don't know how to juggle)

3. Stop cutting 'Z's into each others clothing and the walls

4. No trick swords. I do not want to see any man running about with a sword through his torso screaming "look I'm a kebab!" ever again.

5. Who took my hat?

6. Please don't distract your training opponent by yelling "look out! It's a rabid fangirl!" (It's really hard to get Capt. Turner down from the Crows Nest once he hears that)

7. The next time Capt. Turner joins us for a training session please don't swap his sword for a bow and arrow

8. Seriously, give me my hat back whoever took it.

9. You cannot call your sword a lightsaber (and stop making that buzzing noise when you swing it around)

10. Despite what Capt. Turner says you CAN call me 'Dick Darlington'

11. You cannot pretend to be Roman Gladiators during training sessions (I don't care what you say NO ONE on this ship is called 'Maximus Decimus Meridius' even if you are father to a murdered son or husband to a murdered wife)

12. If any of you say to me "at least I didn't get killed by a fish-man with a stick" you'll spent the next hour looking for your missing teeth.

13. The above threat also applies to anyone I catch carving hearts and 'Norrie wuvs Elizabeth' into the walls (it's very difficult to explain them to Capt. Turner)

14. Look if Capt. Turner's not going to introduce you to Jack Sparrow I certainly won't either

15. If you want to be excused from training classes have a legitimate reason. I will not accept the following:

15.1 I'm allergic to swords

15.2 I'm Capt. Turner's Daddy (doesn't get you out of everything Bootstrap)

15.3 Norrington's a git

15.4 Norrington's a twat

15.5 Norrington found out I had his hat.


End file.
